dental damns

fructodent orange-lemon toothpaste

It is a wildly accepted concept that 99% of the general population hates the dentist.
i have the opposite problem. my dentist hates me.
i don’t know why, i don’t know what i did. i’m courteous and on time, i rinse when asked, bite down when required. i’ve had only two cavities my entire life; and for chrissakes, i floss. ok, maybe once I mentioned that she looked an awful lot like penny marshall, but i didn’t say if it was penny marshall now or penny marshall in her halcyon “Laverne” days. i certainly didn’t say that it was totally penny marshall now, only less feminine, and with a home perm. so really, where’s the problem?
my best guess is that i don’t kowtow to her prevailing brand of ortho-fascism. case in point…this fructodent orange-lemon toothpaste. it was during my last cleaning that i made the mistake of mentioning this great new toothpaste i had come across. before i could go any further i was bombarded:
“does it have dual tarter control and whitening?”
“is it suitable for sensitive gums”
“did you buy it here?”
the last one was the clincher. you see, the corner of her office looks like the swag table at a celebrity dental convention – everything from sonic plaque removing systems to $500 ergonomic tongue scrapers. every cleaning it is seriously recommended that i invest in five or ten of these products, and every cleaning i decline politely.
knowing that any answer i gave would just fall upon deaf teeth, i decided to forgo telling her how i came across this unique product awhile back on coolhunting.com. how it was a new import from europe that had just landed on the shores of…rite aid. how I love a product that flies under the radar. how it had great packaging. how the flavors tasted like better versions of kid toothpastes, without being too preciously gourmet (who wants to brush with basil anyway?). how it made for a great break from the usual and was perfect for that before bed brushing.
instead i just shrugged my shoulders and said:
“ummm…i dunno…i just liked the bottle.”
that did it…the latex gloves were off. she looked at me like i might as well be flossing with twislers and gargling with skittles. the rest of the appointment was coldly silent, only the scrape of that metal pick.
at the end, well, wouldn’t you know it - she concluded that i was on the verge of three cavities. Of course none of them were visible to the naked eye, or in the x-rays, but oh yes, she was certain, the decay was imminent.
Hmmm…so is my search for another dentist.

sound investment: 8
does it turn back time?: 6
sensory satisfaction: 9
cool factor: 9
rate of addiction: 8

shiny unhappy people

shiseido blotting papers

pitiful…

This was the only word that came to mind this morning when i stared out the window of my air conditioned cab. what did I see? a never ending throng of limp, moist pedestrians slowly simmering in this heat stew we call new york city. 99 degrees, 102 degrees, heat emergency, heat warning, heat index, blah, blah, blah – it all boils down to a bunch of sweaty people with glistening brows.
now, i understand that perspiration is our friend, that it’s nature’s own cooling system. i think it’s swell that the almighty saw fit to regulate internal temperature and rid the body of toxins by soaking us in our own salty brine. it all makes me thrilled to be a mammal. and yet…enough already.
let me introduce you to these amazing blotting papers from shiseido. a simple, perfect way to soak up all that dewy grime and help keep your pores clear and non reflective. i bet your skeptical. i bet you saying, ‘blotting papers? oh, mr. productaddict, what’s next – lace handkerchiefs and tuberose smelling salts?’ very funny.
listen, i’m not saying to run around town blotting away like your dear aunt prudence and her coty compact. use a little discretion. a little rubdown while on your commute, a quick swipe before a big meeting – not a big deal. no more challenging to your manhood than the moist towelette you used after those mets stadium nachos.
still hemming and hawing? well, fine - i’m sure that clogged and melting is a good look for you. as for me, next time the city starts to resemble the steam room of the mohave health and racquet club, i will hail the nearest well chilled cab, reach for one of these papers, and know that i finally have something in common with my cab driver – we’re both blotto.

sound investment: 10
does it turn back time?: 6
sensory satisfaction: 5
cool factor: 7
rate of addiction: 7